


there's nothing to forgive

by aloistrancy



Series: flower wonkyun [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love, honestly ot7, hyungwon too hes out here, kihyun once again ready to beef for changkyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 04:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11119917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloistrancy/pseuds/aloistrancy
Summary: Those lyrics he scribbled always teetered on the edge of heartbreak, always so obvious in nature. A one sided love so great he could only dream of how it could taste on his tongue.





	there's nothing to forgive

**Author's Note:**

> ok uhm??? im ugly? i know!! i don't know why i wrote this n why its so vague. why am i mean to EVERYONE !! ALSO the title is from jealous by labrinth, A BANGER!

The term suffering in silence never seemed to feel right to Changkyun. It didn’t describe what someone felt when they locked away all their feelings, kept things to themselves. It was something had he done all his life. Even as a child he would pretend things hadn’t hurt. Something as small as a paper cut, he would smile through the stinging sensation. He’d always been praised for being strong, but it wasn’t strength, it was fear. Fear of being labeled something soft, something fragile that needed to be coddled. Changkyun never wanted to burden anyone with his feelings. So that was how he remained. 

It started with a tiny tickle in the back of his throat, a sensation that grew sharper as he coughed through it. The rapper had thought nothing of it as he continued to write lyrics down on the scrap papers in front of him. It was a little habit he had, tearing paper from his notebook. Kihyun would shoot him a look and collect up the papers telling him he was going to lose all his hard work. It hadn’t happened yet, it wouldn’t. Changkyun cherished the things he wrote, even the things he thought were embarrassing or cringe worthy. He’d fold those sheets up and tuck them beneath his mattress, careful not to let them flutter to the bunk below. He really didn’t need Minhyuk to gush and gawk over the things he wrote. Especially the things he wrote about Wonho. Those lyrics always teetered on the edge of heartbreak, always so obvious in nature. A one sided love so great he could only dream of how it could taste on his tongue.

Changkyun couldn’t exactly pinpoint the moment he was certain he loved Wonho. Maybe it was the way the elder encouraged him in the practice room, his hands around Changkyun’s waist as he tugged him around like a rag doll. Maybe it was the way he let his hand rest on Changkyun’s thighs in interviews when the entire world could see. Changkyun would bloom so brightly under the elder’s touch. He then took notice to the way he did it to all the members, how he was just one of five that Wonho adored. The sensation grew in his chest then, like a vine that began to creep into the crevices of himself. Changkyun did his best to ignore it. He wasn’t going to face reality just yet. Not when that meant admitting defeat, admitting that he wasn’t loved in return.

Another comeback, another series of late nights and exhaustion that could drive even the strongest man to disassociation. Changkyun had been up for nearly twenty four hours, he just couldn’t get the lyrics for this song right. Not when he so openly wanted to spill his guts out for all their fans to hear. They would never get approved. He always had to water down his real feelings for their president to approve the distribution. Changkyun always kept the original copies like a little secret for himself alone. So here he sat tucked away in his rented studio, his brain nearly empty from all rational thoughts. The only thing that kept him from dozing off was the ever growing sensation of doom in his chest. Changkyun would blame it on anxiety, something he often experienced at times like this. When his group would be presenting themselves to the industry once more, trying to prove themselves as a force to be reckoned with. His dramatic thoughts of world domination are cut off by a particularly heavy cough. His shoulders lurched forward as he uselessly grabbed onto the edge of his desk. It didn’t stop the heavy coughing fit that overtook him. Changkyun clutched at his throat, he wished he could tear the thorny sensation that scratched at the sensitive skin of his insides. _Something comes out._ Terror overtook him as he finally opened his eyes. Changkyun can’t help the way he tilted his head, even as the taste of blood fills his mouth, a tiny petal. He knows exactly what flower that is. A flower called Crown of Thorns. Any good Catholic would know if it. Changkyun thinks it’s almost sadistic. His God would never want this for him. 

At 4AM he finally gets home, his things dropped at the front door before he practically crawls to the bathroom. The only upside to being out so late is that everyone’s asleep, no one can question him. With their comeback so soon he knows no one would even second guess where he was. The hot water does little to make him feel human like it normally does. When he feels like such a robot of the system nothing helps more than a shower. There’s a burden on his chest now, quite literally. What is he going to do? He’d been so preoccupied with how he was going to solve this, he hadn’t really thought about what it meant. That Wonho didn’t love him back. The thought nearly knocked him over, his hand extended out to grab onto the dial to hold himself up. What a horrible thought he would have to face, what a heartbreaking reality he would have to physically endure. _In silence._

It’s really not fair how beautiful Wonho is. Changkyun isn’t sure how they managed to snag the prettiest boy in the industry for their group. He’s so versatile in his image, dainty and pretty one moment and masculine and hard the next. Or both at once. Changkyun can’t help the way he so easily watches him. Wonho is a strange creature and coming from someone so strange it must be true. He had little habits that Changkyun picked up on, like how he always has to pull his straw from his American up before he takes a drink. Changkyun scolds himself the moment the thought enters his head, a red stain of blush painting his cheeks. A small tickle quickly follows. The cough is suppressed and he stares up towards the ceiling to pat his index finger just under his eyes to sop up unshed tears. Kihyun notices him the moment he does it and comes to his side. They’re in between practice and recording, a brief moment the seven of them have to shower and change out of their sweaty clothes before they have to spend an entire shift at the studio. 

“What’s wrong?” Kihyun cuts to chase. He never was the type to dance around an issue. Kihyun was always blunt and to the point. Most of the time Changkyun liked that, he resolved issues among them quickly with his cut throat attitude. Right now, however it is unwelcome. Changkyun can’t help but scowl at the accusation.

“Nothing hyung.” Changkyun glanced over at the elder. He had hoped his expression would ease Kihyun’s suspicions but it obviously hadn’t. 

“Sure.” 

The studio is damp and quickly humid as all seven of them pack inside. Their recording booth is empty, simply because their producer hasn’t showed up. It doesn’t stop them from messing around a little bit. Jooheon behind the soundboard as he encouraged the other’s inside. 

“Stay here with me. Hyung will be mad when he comes in and finds Jooheon there. It’ll be funny.” Wonho pleads from where he sat on the couch. He was probably hoping to get a short nap in. Changkyun knew he craved sleep almost as much as he craved Wonho’s affection. Though it wasn’t the physical affection. Changkyun got plenty of that; a back hug, a flirty wink, and, most of all soft eyes that were never meant to be anything serious. Nothing more than a, ‘ _I understand what you’re going through’_ certainly not, _‘I can love the flowers in your chest away.’_ Changkyun is so selfish and self destructive in a singular moment as he wandered over to the couch and pressed himself up against Wonho. It’s music to his ears as he listened to the elder cackle in amusement at their members stupidity. His chest aches and he feels the familiar sensation of thorns piercing his throat as Wonho wraps a protective arm around Changkyun’s shoulders. 

Getting his hair fried beyond belief is so worth it when he gets to watch Wonho get his hair dyed black. It’s prettiest on him, brings out his pearly skin. Changkyun doesn’t even care that the bleach burns his scalp and he can ignore how stupid he knows he looks with lighter hair. Minhyuk is with them too, his hair undergoing the same thing as Changkyun’s. They share a sympathetic look over their fried follicles. 

“Let’s get dinner after this, just the three of us, on me.” Wonho suggested after the stylist finished blow drying his hair. Changkyun smirked as he watched the elder check himself out in the mirror. Seeing Wonho pleased with his image was enough to make Changkyun agree silently. He could endure it for one night. 

Changkyun’s hunger easily rivals the pain in his chest. He can ignore the crawling sensation of vines in his throat as he stuffed his mouth full of meat. It’s easy to pretend it’s _just_ hunger gnawing at his insides. 

Until it isn’t. 

It gets worse as things do. He starts to wake up in coughing fits, hands covering his mouth as he tries his best to mask the sound. It’s quiet in the dorm, only the soft sound of someone who’d forgotten to turn their music off filtered through some headphones. Changkyun can’t be contained, a sensation so great fills his chest and he quickly took off towards the kitchen. The furthest place from their rooms where he hopefully can’t be heard. 

The sensation easily overtook him and he coughed so hard he thought an organ might come up with it. But no. It’s just bright orange petals, some torn, that fill the sink in their kitchen. What a strang color to come from his body. A bright, happy color that tears apart his insides. Changkyun tastes the familiar metallic before he spits blood into the sink. Quickly he turned the tap on and began to wash the tiny petals down the sink, sufficiently hiding the evidence. Footsteps are heard just behind him and his entire body goes tense. A small sigh escapes him at the sight of Minhyuk, hair a mess and eye bags dark. 

“What are you doing? I heard the water running and thought that idiot Hyungwon did something in his sleep.” Minhyuk murmured as he ran his hand across his face. Changkyun shook his head. 

“I was just getting some water, I’m going back to bed.” He explained before he stepped away from the sink. Minhyuk nodded and waited for the younger to head down the hall first, his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder before he glanced back towards the kitchen with a bleary expression. There was no glass in sight. Minhyuk followed closely behind Changkyun and noticed a flowery smell. Strange, why was he awkwardly in the kitchen and smelling of flowers? Minhyuk shot Changkyun one last small smile before he ducked back into his room. What was going on? 

The other’s began to watch him closer after Minhyuk had found him in the kitchen. It had started to become more difficult to hide how the veins in his neck bulged a little more. Hide how loud he could be found retching in the bathroom. Hyungwon was the first to corner him. One day after a meeting with their company's CEO, a discussion about their promotions and how their schedule would look during their next comeback. It was jam packed and Changkyun feared how he would hide what ailed him. 

“Tell me what’s going on.” Hyungwon demanded as he crowded the younger in the bathroom. His voice was uncharacteristically loud and it echoed off the walls. “You’re lying whenever someone asks you. Don’t think I don’t know. I know what your face looks like when you think no one can see you. I see you.”

“There’s nothing wrong. Why do you think there’s something wrong?” Changkyun was so quickly defensive. His eyes narrowed and arms crosses as he stared at Hyungwon. What did he know? Nothing. Changkyun didn’t want to be accused of lying anymore, it wasn’t their business. Except that, he knew it was. He was their business, he had always been their business.

“You’re such a bad liar. I know your tell.” Hyungwon countered quickly as he mirrored Changkyun’s actions, arms crossed over his chest. “You give yourself away, you always look down to the left when you lie. It’s not a good tell, very obvious.” Hyungwon shot Changkyun a smug look. 

“I can’t tell you.” Changkyun whispered and he heard Hyunwoo call out for them. Thank god. Changkyun was quick to dodge Hyungwon’s bony fingers that tried to reach out for him and hold him in place. 

Jooheon, for all his talent and purity isn’t very perceptive. Changkyun is entirely grateful for that certain trait. He can so easily pass his hacking off as a bad cough with the changing seasons. Jooheon understood and shot him a dimpled smile as the two of them worked on lyrics again. Both hunched over in a recording booth, two hidden Americano’s on the floor by their feet. 

“This is going to sound great, your lyrics are really raw. I think Monbebe will like this sort of song. They experience heartbreak too, we can help them get through it with this song.” Jooheon had smiled widely then. Changkyun returned it because the praise was so kind and just _so_ Jooheon. He was all things right and good in the world and Changkyun would easily ignore the petal he silently coughed into his mouth. 

It’s a rare night when they get to go home early, their producer waved them all off saying they didn’t need to sit around while he finished up the song for them. Jooheon and Changkyun had protested as they were both perfectionists when it came to their songs. Eventually they gave up when Kihyun promised them something warm to eat. Which, after weeks of instant ramen was a god send to the youngest members. 

After everyone ate and showered then they all gathered in the living room to watch a movie. This was Changkyun’s favorite time spent with his members. Now it loomed over him like a storm cloud. The idea of being in his usual spot cuddle up next to Wonho brought him nothing but dread. It didn’t help that Jooheon, bless his heart, picked Titanic and it always made Wonho cry. Nothing made the petals fall from his mouth faster than the thought of Wonho in pain, even from a movie. Changkyun did his best to act as normal as possible. He pushed off Wonho’s hands however and told him his stomach hurt, what a stupid excuse and the elder shot him a weary look but latched himself onto Kihyun who looked annoyed beyond belief. 

And his tears come as they always do but this time Changkyun can’t comfort him, he can’t watch at all. Petals erupt unexpectedly from his chest, without a coughing fit warning, and Changkyun has to move. With his hands over his mouth he all but sprints to the bathroom. How is he going to talk his way around this one? Changkyun can’t think as he shuts the door and turns the sink on. Anything that helps drown the sound out is good, he needs to keep this on lock for just a while longer. Changkyun knew he could win, knew he could get over his feelings. Changkyun always got over the things that hurt him, always moved on to bigger and better things. He could do this too. 

The knock on the bathroom door is no surprise. Changkyun stared down at the toilet bowl full of petals and if they hadn’t come from his chest he would have thought them pretty. Instead he quickly flushed them down and got up to turn the sink off. He’s not very shocked that someone is concerned about him, he is a little shocked when it’s Shownu. They really sent the robot after him? He knew they had conspired this one. 

“You okay?” Shownu leaned against the door frame as he eyed the youngest. Changkyun didn’t think he looked particularly suspicious but just the way he stared at him was enough to make him want to crawl out of his skin. Changkyun noticed the way Shownu’s eyes widened before they narrowed. Before Changkyun could even move the leader had reached a hand out and ran it across the corner of Changkyun’s lips. As he pulled his hand away Changkyun noticed the blood smeared across the pad of his thumb. His eyes widened and he could do nothing but stare open mouthed.

“You’re not.” Shownu answered for him. Changkyun was quick to reach out for Shownu’s hand, using his sleeve to wipe his blood from the other’s skin. 

“I just bit my lip. Don’t be so dramatic hyung.” Changkyun laughed softly as he shot Shownu an eye smile (he’d been practicing). 

“Why are you lying? Do you think I’m that dense?” Shownu asked softly as he pulled his hand away. Changkyun swallowed thickly around a thorn and shook his head. 

“No. I don’t think that at all.” Changkyun quickly argued. He furrowed his brow at even the suggestion. “I’m just getting over a cold okay? No one needs to worry about me. I’m fine. I’m going to bed now so I don’t get sick and get taken out for our comeback.” He was quick to dodge anymore questions Shownu could have. Something he’d learned to do a lot lately. 

Once Changkyun was in his room Shownu stood in the living room and stared at each of his members. 

“Something’s wrong, we need to do something.” Shownu spoke in his fake authoritative tone. 

“I vote Wonho, Changkyun puts up with you the most.” Kihyun muttered as he sighed. He had been the first to notice something off, he should have done something sooner. 

“I second it. No one annoys Changkyunie more than Wonho hyung, he doesn’t even get mad.” Minhyuk nodded in agreement. 

“You _are_ the most pathetic when you do that begging thing with your eyes, he can’t resist that.” Hyungwon deadpanned before he snorted. He thought he was the funniest person in the room at all times. 

“Yeah Wonho hyung is the cutest when he wants to be. Changkyun will have no choice.” Jooheon reached over and pinched one of Wonho’s cheeks then. 

Wonho hadn’t even said anything. 

“Okay Wonho, tomorrow it’s your job to find out what’s wrong with Changkyun.

They didn’t have to wait. 

Changkyun was woken up by a searing pain in the back of his throat. It felt as if someone had lit a fire within him. It burned and seared. He was quick to get out of bed and run to the bathroom. As was routine now. Something was off, something was different. He heaved and heaved and nothing came out. His throat felt entirely clogged and his vision began to blur at the edges. Dark spots started to wash over his vision and Changkyun knew this was bad. This was the worst. Before he blacked out completely he let out a wail,hopefully it would wake someone up. 

It had. The lightest sleeper Kihyun was the first to hear the scream. It was so agonizing he nearly shot straight up in bed. He got tangled in his blankets as he fumbled down from his bunk. What the hell had made that noise? It sounded like a wounded animal and struck fear within Kihyun. He checked on Wonho, Shownu, and, Hyungwon. They were all fine and still asleep, Wonho had only stirred slightly. Next he was checking on the other members, he didn’t care about how annoying it would be to turn the light on in the middle of the night he did it anyway. And he noticed Changkyun wasn’t there. His heart pounded so loud it was all he could hear. Quickly he was down the hall and he could see Changkyun’s legs in the bathroom doorway. _No, no, no. no._ Kihyun’s mind supplied little else as he approached and turned the bathroom light on. 

It looked almost ethereal if it weren’t for the fact Changkyun wasn’t breathing. Kihyun screamed louder than he had before, he needed the other’s to wake up, he couldn’t form words right now. He pushed the petals away and stuck his fingers down Changkyun’s throat to try and clear his airway. Tears filled his eyes as he heard heavy footsteps down the hallway, more than one pair. 

“Call an ambulance.” Kihyun was already barking orders as he pulled his now bloody fingers from Changkyun’s throat. “Now! I said call an ambulance.” He hadn’t even looked up as he began to press his palms to Changkyun’s chest. He didn’t even know how to do proper CPR but he knew the gist of it. 

“What is that?” Jooheon asked softly. His tone terrified. Minhyuk was on the phone, they could all hear him screaming down the line just in the hallway. Shownu was at Kihyun’s side in a second and slowly pushed the vocalist away and took over. He had taken courses on CPR when he was in high school on the swim team. 

“God, this can’t be happening.” Kihyun whispered as he ran a hand across his face. This had to be a nightmare. This was worse than a nightmare. 

“They’re coming.” Minhyuk breathed out slowly as he tried to calm himself down. But how could he do that when their youngest wasn’t breathing, wasn’t technically alive. 

“I’ll go in the ambulance with him, you guys call the manager and follow us.” Kihyun ordered as he stared at the others. The dorm was a frenzy as Shownu stayed by Changkyun’s side. Changkyun had let out a small wheezing down and it was enough for now. Sirens and bright lights were easily seen from their apartment windows. Changkyun would hate the scene being made for him if he were conscious. He would despise the attention. 

Kihyun left with the paramedics and Changkyun, he wasn’t going to wait for the manager and he knew more about Changkyun’s health than him. There was just no way he would wait behind. That left the five other’s stood downstairs waiting for their manager to pull up. When the familiar van pulled up they all piled in. No one could say a word. They all had no idea who it could be. Who had Changkyun loved so much his body was willing to choke him from the inside? Shownu let out a choked sob as he stared down at his blood stained hands. 

“He better be okay.” Hyungwon whispered out loud what they had all been thinking. For some reason Wonho stayed quiet. The most emotional member of them all was seemingly stoic in the face of true terror for them. 

The hospital waiting room was fairly quiet, except for when they stormed in after the emergency. The five of them and their manager all demanding answers. They found Kihyun by the emergency room doors, his face sweaty and pained with sorrow. 

“They got him breathing steadily but they had to take him into surgery right away, I signed the papers.” Kihyun whispered. “If he dies it’s my fault. It’s on me.” He murmured softly as he pressed his palms to his wet eyes.

“He won’t die. Changkyunie won’t die. He wouldn’t ever do that.” Minhyuk shook his head, the thought was just not plausible. Life without Changkyun? What was that? “He’s invincible.” 

Oh, how they wanted to hold onto that thought. Their youngest, the strongest of them all. Their maknae who had quickly grown from some shy, self conscious boy to the fierce man they got to perform alongside with on stage. He was invincible and he was theirs. They were fiercely protective of him even if he was in the hands of some doctors. 

“It’s my fault.” Wonho finally spoke for the first time that night. His expression was haunted, like he’d seen things he could never unsee. “He’s that way because of me. I didn’t know at first. I found some lyrics tucked in his bunk.” Wonho pressed his palm to his cheek and rubbed his skin there. “I was the thing killing him. It wasn’t some thorns or petals, it was me! I did that to him.” Wonho stared at the other’s with a wide eyed expression. His eyes were glazed over with tears and he couldn’t help the way he let out a broken sob. “I did that to him. It’s my fault.” 

“You really need to shut up before I come over there and make you.” Kihyun spoke in a deadly tone. “This isn’t about you. I don’t care right now! I don’t care what you think you know. This isn’t about you, it’s about him. Don’t be so fucking selfish!” The vocalist was red in the face as he began to shout. Jooheon was quick to react to the situation, he could usually equalize an emotional situation. His hands were on Wonho in a second, he knew two emotionally charged people wouldn’t end anything peacefully. Shownu must have felt the felt the same because he pressed his blood stained hands to Kihyun’s shoulder, whispering to him. 

“I did this to him. I didn’t love him back.” Wonho whispered to Jooheon. Jooheon felt anger coil in his chest but no one was to blame. No one could control their feelings. Like Changkyun couldn’t control his, neither could Wonho. “Not in time.” Wonho tilted his head to the side as a few tears escaped his eyes. Jooheon felt his own tears prick at his eyes as he watched Wonhos’ face crumple. 

It took hours. Hours of the six of them sitting in near silence for fear they could say the wrong thing. Everyone was on edge. The teary eyed phase had passed and Kihyun was charged with nothing but anger. He sat rigidly between Shownu and Minhyuk, the latter stroking his fingers gently over the vocalist’s hand. Wonho was seated on the opposite side of the room, Hyungwon at his side like a barrier. As if that string bean could stop Kihyun or Wonho. 

Finally, their manager had spoken with the doctor. They’d gotten the root out, something parasitic and ugly. They all knew what it meant. How their youngest would feel empty and lost. Without love they knew they would have to work so much harder to show Changkyun they loved him. One step at a time however.

Hours stretched and finally a nurse came out to tell them one at a time they could go see him. One at a time? There were six of them. Kihyun shot Wonho a look, the two of the stared at each other before Hyungwon stood up and bowed to the nurse before he said he would go first. That’s what the other’s got for bickering. He didn’t care about who was right, he just wanted to see Changkyun. Hyungwon liked how clean hospitals were, if it weren’t for the tragedies he would hang out here more often. Probably not an appropriate thought but he imagined Changkyun would agree with him. They were both weird enough.

The nurse lead him to a recovery room and Changkyun looked so small. They’d just taken the breathing tube out before they’d been told they could come in. It explained why his face looked so splotchy. 

“Hey.” Hyungwon spoke softly as he came to the side of Changkyun’s bed. He reached a hand out to brush his fingers across his hand, careful of the IV needle there. “You scared me.” 

Changkyun let out a dry laugh before he smiled. He looked so sad that Hyungwon almost wondered where he found the energy to force that smile. 

“I scared me too.” Changkyun’s voice was rough, and so, so hoarse it sounded like he smoked two packs of cigarettes before opening his mouth. “I thought I was completely fucked.” 

“You aren’t. Evidently not fucked.” Hyungwon murmured with a smirk. It was so easy to be casual with Changkyun. The two of them could be in the middle of an apocalypse and they’d still have time to make jokes. “For a minute there I thought you were going to die. You stopped breathing asshole.“ He swatted at the younger then. “I’m glad you’re okay.” Hyungwon gently held Changkyun’s hand then before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. 

“What are you doing? Who are you?” Changkyun snorted before he coughed slightly and panic flickered across his face. It was like he realized that the raw pain in his throat would go away, just like his feelings. It was numb for now. The nurse had explained to him how empty he would feel, how he would long for love. She assured him it would return to him one day. 

“I’m trying to be nice since you’re in the hospital.” Hyungwon deadpanned before he laughed. “I should let the others come in, they all have emotional problems so don’t be worried when they all come in crying.” He smirked before he winked at Changkyun and got up. Changkyun was okay that’s all he needed to know, he’d bug him when they got back to the dorm.

Kihyun had already been waiting to go in next, he was quick to push past Hyungwon down the hall. He didn’t need a nurse to show him where to go. And if he got lost he wasn’t going to tell anyone. He eventually found the room and smiled so wide when he saw Changkyun there. 

“Hey you.” Kihyun spoke softly as he pulled Changkyun’s blanket up gently. “I was worried about you. You literally made me look at your lifeless body.” Here came the motherly guilt trip he had become famous for. 

“It wasn’t my intention to do that to you.” Changkyun laughed softly. God, his members were so insane and he adored them entirely. 

“I almost fought Wonho hyung for you in the waiting room, it would have looked great on our record.” Kihyun grinned then. “If you recover in time we won’t even have to take time off. You better take a long time to recover.” 

“We don’t need to push our comeback to a later date, we need to keep Monsta X in the game.” Changkyun argued. Of course he argued. Almost dying wasn’t going to stop him from anything. 

“We are in the game thanks to my vocals, don’t worry. I got it.” Kihyun smiled then as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Changkyun’s head. “I love you, just so you know.” 

Changkyun smiled at the words. “I lo-” He fumbled over the word and frowned. Kihyun smiled understandingly and shook his head. 

“Don’t push yourself. I think Shownu hyung needs to see you with his eyes to believe you’re okay so I’ll send him back here.” Kihyun explained as he pulled himself away. He wanted to remain by Changkyun’s side forever, make sure he was always okay. 

Shownu was somewhat known to be lethargic when he wasn’t performing, dancing his heart out, but he had never moved faster than to get to Changkyun’s room.

“Changkyun.” Shownu simply said his name as a sigh of relief escaped him. He’d finally washed his hands but he couldn’t get the image of Changkyun’s blood from his memory. “I was so worried about you. I think Kihyun’s energy made it about ten times worse but I thought we were going to lose you. I had never been so scared in my life.” For someone who didn’t say much he sure knew all the right things. Changkyun reached out first then, grabbed onto Shownu’s hands. 

“I heard you performed CPR on me hyung, you saved my life.” Changkyun whispered gratefully. “Thank you.” 

“Don’t thank me, I would save you a hundred times over.” Shownu smiled before he heard a knock on the window. Minhyuk and Jooheon peered through the glass. How had they both snuck back here? Shownu smiled at Changkyun before he nodded towards the door. The two loud mouths stumbled to Changkyun’s side and Shownu made a silent exit. He wasn’t about to get in trouble by an overworked nurse. 

“Changkyun, my best friend, in the world-” Jooheon began as he pressed a kiss to Changkyun’s cheek. “You scared me to death. Minhyuk too, he had to call the ambulance and he was freaking out.” 

“Ha- you thought I was going to die.” Changkyun mocked before he laughed loudly. His throat hurt but nothing felt better than this. Changkyun felt so good watching relief wash over his members faces. “Loser.” 

“Shut up, I love you okay? Stop bullying me or I’ll pull the plug.” Minhyuk pouted. 

“I can’t say it anymore.” Changkyun whispered to them. “The L word is not in my vocabulary.” 

“That’s a side effect?” Jooheon asked almost scandalized. “Like how a vampire can’t say God after turning? Are you supernatural now?”

“Can you for one second think about the things that come out of your mouth? For one second.” Minhyuk pleaded as he pressed his face to Changkyun’s thigh. This was what he got for having the two clingiest members sneak in together. 

“I was just asking!” Jooheon whispered. Before either of them could say anything a nurse poked her head in and stared at the two of them and said nothing. They both got up quick, blowing Changkyun many kisses before they argued down the hallway about Jooheon’s stupidity. 

Finally, like a lost stray in walked Wonho. He looked tired and dressed badly so Changkyun felt a little bit better. 

“I’m sorry.” Wonho began and the floodgates spilled forth. Changkyun watched curiously. He felt no emotion towards Wonho’s tears. Instead he just reached out and pat his hand gently. 

“Don’t be sorry, I can’t feel it anymore. The pain is gone.” Changkyun explained with a smile. “The flowers were crown of thorns, like the ones Jesus wore. In a sacrilegious way I’m totally a martyr.” He was probably going straight to hell for even implying that.

Wonho laughed through his tears and sat by Changkyun’s side. It was silent between the two of them after that. Wonho feeling everything and Changkyun feeling nothing. 

“I feel so empty now. Like my brightness is gone.” Changkyun explained softly as he watched Wonho tuck his hand under the blankets and press his palm to Changkyun’s thigh. “Do you think it’ll come back?” 

“I think you’ll shine forever, Changkyun.” Wonho murmured with a small smile. “And love will always return to us.” 

Changkyun smiled then and nodded, his hyung had never lied to him before why would he start now? Changkyun hadn’t noticed the way Wonho suppressed a cough. 


End file.
